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獨(dú)立寫(xiě)作分析

People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment- doing things they like- rather than doing things they should do.

提綱： I disagree with the idea that personal enjoyments prevent people to do what they should do.

首先這句話(huà)有個(gè)小小的錯(cuò)誤prevent sb from doing。這是小問(wèn)題。大問(wèn)題是這句話(huà)和論題其實(shí)是兩個(gè)問(wèn)題。題目沒(méi)有說(shuō)personal enjoyments阻止了人們do what they should do。

觀點(diǎn)一:  Compared to the past, people do have more personal enjoyments due to the development of society.

觀點(diǎn)二：Education and competition help people be aware of the responsibilities.

觀點(diǎn)三：Personal enjoyments make people can promote people to take responsibilities in return.

結(jié)尾：In summary, an independent modern person would have enjoyments and take responsibility at the same time.

The statement above demonstrates the contradiction between people’s personal enjoyments and their responsibilities on contemporary society.這句話(huà)破題還不錯(cuò)。簡(jiǎn)單的說(shuō)，就是用自己的話(huà)解釋題目。作者文字功力不錯(cuò)，能用比較高級(jí)的詞匯從更深層面上闡述了問(wèn)題。 While the arguer believes people spend too much time on their individual enjoyments rather on what they should do, I disagree with the idea due to following conspicuous aspects.

開(kāi)頭簡(jiǎn)練有效，這是一個(gè)好現(xiàn)象。很多同學(xué)的開(kāi)頭由于套用模板都顯得過(guò)于冗長(zhǎng)和無(wú)聊。開(kāi)頭其實(shí)最關(guān)鍵的是要說(shuō)清楚兩件事，這篇文章要討論什么，我的觀點(diǎn)是什么。

Admittedly, compared to the past, people nowadays have more free time to enjoy fun of life and pursue their own hobbies and interests.這句話(huà)暴露了一個(gè)非常大的問(wèn)題。主題句必須和下面的討論相一致。大家可以看到這段里的主題句和下文不符，這是一個(gè)很大的忌諱。 With the process of human civilization, today’s world is a world which respects human democracy and liberty. It allows people to achieve the abundant tangible and intangible results the world could offer. For instance, teenagers can watch TV and play video games for fun, which is unbelievable 100 years ago. Also, a normal middle class family nowadays can afford to enjoy playing golf or watching a bullet show which used to be the upper class’s entertainment in the past.

However, increase in enjoyments doesn’t directly relevant to the decrease in responsibilities. As the development in education, people are gradually aware of their duties, not only to themselves and their families in a traditional way, but also to the society as well.過(guò)渡的好！ Participating in a local political election or changing into a low-carbon lifestyle are all signs of responsibilities, and individual enjoyments cannot get in the way of them.Meanwhile, today’s society is also full of competition and pressure, and it forces people to take responsibilities. I have seen many of my fellow schoolmates study hard or get part-time job to be self-independent, even if they like playing computer games or playing basketball in spare time.意識(shí)是對(duì)的，這里應(yīng)該舉例，但是例子沒(méi)講明白。

Furthermore, I always hold the view that people’s enjoyments can promote them to take some responsibilities in return.這個(gè)論點(diǎn)棒極了！ By taking responsibilities, they can appreciate the world for giving them wonderful enjoyments. A man’s love of outdoor adventure may incent him to donate money for the protection of wilderness. People are also likely to achieve more when they enjoying what they are doing. One good example is Jack Peterson, a man who was fascinated by movies so much when he was young, becomes the director of great Lord of Ring series later in his life.

In summary, due to the above mentioned reasons, individual enjoyments would not obstruct the charge of responsibilities. Instead, the former may promote the latter. An independent modern man would be responsible, and have the freedom to pursue personal enjoyments at the same time.

這篇文章的優(yōu)缺點(diǎn)都非常明顯。可以看出來(lái)作者的文字功底很好基礎(chǔ)也很好。對(duì)于詞匯句式的運(yùn)用都比較成熟，語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤也較少。是一篇非常成熟的文章。但是這篇文章的問(wèn)題也非常明顯。就像我文章里指出的，有一段的主題句的問(wèn)題很大。老外看文章的思路，如果你的主題句和論據(jù)不同，那么你這段就廢了。可能作者根本沒(méi)注意這個(gè)小問(wèn)題。樓下的童鞋也要注意了，不要寫(xiě)好了主題句就把它給忘了。本質(zhì)上你寫(xiě)這一段的目的就是為了解釋這句話(huà)，支撐這句話(huà)。所以不要舍本求末，不要忘了最初的意思。

第二個(gè)需要注意的點(diǎn)就是作者的那句過(guò)渡，非常規(guī)范。過(guò)渡句有三個(gè)目的，要講清楚三個(gè)問(wèn)題：上面講了什么，接下來(lái)要講什么，兩個(gè)問(wèn)題之間有什么聯(lián)系。

第三個(gè)點(diǎn)我也指出來(lái)了，就是那個(gè)沒(méi)有說(shuō)清楚的例子。例子沒(méi)說(shuō)清只是個(gè)別的問(wèn)題，但是作者的意識(shí)值得童鞋們學(xué)習(xí)。老外寫(xiě)文章的思路一般是這樣的：我要講什么，我要講哪個(gè)方面，有沒(méi)有證據(jù)支持我的觀點(diǎn)。簡(jiǎn)單說(shuō)就是主題句+發(fā)展句+論證。這是英語(yǔ)作文非常標(biāo)準(zhǔn)規(guī)范的結(jié)構(gòu)，只有搭好了扎實(shí)的骨架以后才能往里面填充血肉。

以上講的三個(gè)問(wèn)題都是英語(yǔ)作文里的規(guī)范思路，很多作文找不到門(mén)路的童鞋可以好好看看，也有一些童鞋托福作文得了高分也不知道為什么的，可以看看自己的高分作文有沒(méi)有符合這種思路。

可能有很多同學(xué)覺(jué)得這篇文章的文字老練，覺(jué)得自己怎么也寫(xiě)不出來(lái)這種文章。其實(shí)除了多看范文多背詞匯以外，有一種捷徑是去了解英語(yǔ)作文的一些小規(guī)則，這樣還是可以避免走一些彎路的。不過(guò)話(huà)說(shuō)回來(lái)，英語(yǔ)作為一種語(yǔ)言，怎么說(shuō)都是要積累的嘛~

下面給大家看英語(yǔ)遣詞造句的一些基本規(guī)則，這是我最近看耶魯大學(xué)的HOFMANN教授的一本書(shū)的一些小心得，大家分享著看看吧~

Writing Principle : Place old, familiar, and short information at the beginning of a sentence in the topic position.

Writing Principle : Place new, complex, or long information at the end of a sentence in the stress position.

要想文章有邏輯，句子與句子之間有邏輯，這是一個(gè)很好的方法。下面有兩個(gè)例子，也是兩種方法~

If information is placed where most readers expect to find it, it is interpreted more easily and more uniformly. Readers expect ot see old information that links backward at the beginning of a sentence and new information at the end of a sentence where it is emphasized more. Above all, writing "flows" much better if the information is linked through word location. The general principle that authors should keep in mind is to provide context for their readers before asking these readers to consider anything new.

上一句話(huà)的結(jié)尾重點(diǎn)也是下一句的開(kāi)頭介紹，這樣子句子與句子就連接起來(lái)了，把它連成一段話(huà)以后就是非常漂亮的層層推理論證了。

e.g. Macular degeneration is affected by diet. One of the diet components that influences the progression of macular degeneration is vitamin B6. Although vitamin B6 seems to reduce the risk of macular degeneration, it may have side effects.

Explanation: Not how the information at the end position of a sentence in the preceding example is placed at the beginning, or topic position, of the next sentence, leading to "jumping word location." In each of these sentences, the new information in stress position of one sentence becomes old, at the topic position in the sentence that follows.

Another way to achieve good flows or continuity is to write a whole paragraph from the poing of view of the old information.

一段話(huà)講一個(gè)問(wèn)題怎么講？四句話(huà)，第一句介紹這是什么問(wèn)題，后三句從三個(gè)角度來(lái)說(shuō)明它。也許在托福作文里不太實(shí)用，不過(guò)用出來(lái)一看就是經(jīng)過(guò)正規(guī)訓(xùn)練的好孩子~~

e.g. Depression in the elderly is thought to affect more than 6.5 million of the 35 million Americans who are 65 years of age and older. It is considered to be a disorder that is commonly underdiagnosed, undertreated, and mismanaged by pharmacotherapy both in community dwelling seniors and in those residing in nursing facilities. Depression in the elderly has also been closely associated with dependency and disability that prensents in both emotional and physical symptoms, thus amplifying the difficulty in diagnosis. Major depression, dysthymic disorder, and subsyndromal depression tend to be higher in persons over 65 who live in a long-term care facility.

Explanation: Note how in this example, the topic "depression" is consistently placed in the topic position of each sentence, providing a link back for the reader. If passages are consistently written from the same point of view as in the preceding example, good flow is also achieved.

Not all paragraphs will follow these principles of word location as exclusively as shown above. Many paragraphs display a mixture of the word locations shown in these examples. That is okay.

Writing Principle : Get to the subject of the main sentence quickly, and make it short and specific. If possible, use central characters and topics as subjects.

In general, readers prefer to get to the subject/topic of the main sentence quickly. When you open sentences with several words before its subject/topic, readers have a hard time understanding what the sentence is about.

Readers also prefer to see characters as their subjects. In fact, readers get confused if for no good reason authors do not make characters subjects. The central character is the subject of a series of sentences telling a story.

Writing Principal : Avoid interruptions between subjuect and verb and between verb and object.

作者的原意是主語(yǔ)和動(dòng)詞直接不要有擋住視線(xiàn)影響閱讀理解的長(zhǎng)短語(yǔ)，老外看到主語(yǔ)的第一反應(yīng)就是這個(gè)主語(yǔ)做了什么動(dòng)作，所以你要盡可能的滿(mǎn)足老外的這個(gè)欲望，不要去吊他的胃口。不過(guò)主語(yǔ)和謂語(yǔ)之間加個(gè)however什么的還是可以的~~~

Information is more easily interpreted if it is not obstructed. Often sentences are obstructed because the verb does not immediately follow the subject. Readers expect grammatical subjects to be followed immediately by the verb. Anything of length that intervenes between subject and verb is read as an interruption and therefore as something of lesser importance.

If grammatical subject is separated from its verb by a long phrase, readers may focus their attention on the arrival of the verb and resist recognizing anything in the inerrupting material as being of primary importance. The longer the interruption lasts, the more likely it becomes the "interruptive" material actuallly contains important information; but its structural location will continue to brand it as merely interruptive.

Often an interruption can be moved to the beginning or to the end of a sentence, depending on whether it is connected to old or new infromation in the sentence. At other times, the author should consider aplitting the information into two sentences or even omitting the interrupting information altogether.