001 A teacher
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPILS: A teacher
002 The First Day as a Taxi Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
003 You Married Mine
Little boy: Daddy, I want to get married.
Father jokingly said: Oh! Who did you have in mind?
Little boy: Grandma.
Father: Wait a minute, you did not think I'd let you marry my mother, did you?
Little boy: Why not? You married mine.
005 Two Cute dogs
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."
006 “I'm sorry ，Madam“ “I'm sorry ，Madam ，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth .”
“Twenty dollars! Why I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”
“Yes ，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .”
007 A Blind Man and his Dog
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection(交叉路口), and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by(快速駛過） on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies,
"To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
008 The plural form of "child"
Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom?
Tom: Men.
Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?
Tom: Twins.
009 Visiting a Chicken Farm
One day, a teacher took his pupils to a chicken farm to pay a visit. When they came near the incubator, a chick just got out of its eggshell.
"It's wonderful to see a little thing come out from the eggshell, Isn't it?" the teacher said.
"Yes, sir." said one of the boys, "but it would be more wonderful if we knew how a chick gets into its eggshell before hand."
010 "What's in the Pocket?"
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini.
After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
011 When was Rome built
Teacher: When was Rome built?
Tom: At night.
Teacher: Who told you that?
Tom: You did. You said Rome wasn't built in a day
012 Much Worse Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?
Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.
013 Time Is Money
As the taxi came to a screeching halt at a traffic light, I asked the driver, "Do you agree that 'Time is money'?"
"Well, it's a very common saying. Who will care so much about that?" the driver answered.
"Look, the digits in the meter are still running when the car has stopped, "I pointed at the meter.
"Oh, yes. You've got a point here. In this case, time is money for both of us." added the driver.
014 Our Tails
The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"
"I‘ll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.".
015 Marriage Arranged by an Unborn Baby
The other day a Chinese told me that to go with the traditional custom, one's marriage has to be decided by his or her parents and that accordingly, her mother's marriage was arranged by her grandparents, but her sister has broken the tradition.
"How?" I asked. "Her marriage was arranged by her unborn baby." "What do you mean?" I was puzzled.
"She had to get married because of her premarital pregnancy, "She explained in embarrassment.
016 He told me to see you
Doctor: And whom did you consult about your illness before you came to me?
Patient: Only the druggist down at the corner.
Doctor: And what sort of ridiculous advice did he gave you?
Patient:: He told me to see you!
017 The climate here doesn't agree with me
The local weatherman was often in his forecasts, so he applied for a transfer.
"Why do you want to be transferred?" wrote the headquarters.
"Because," the forecaster answered, " the climate here doesn't agree with me."
018 How do you know that?
Bob: My car doesn't have a speedometer.
Rob: Then how do you know how fast you're going?
Bob: Well, when I'm driving at 15 miles an hour, the fenders rattle; at 25 miles an hour, the windows rattle; and at 30, the motor starts knocking-and that's as fast as it'll go.
019 I always do
Two motorists stopped head-on on a bridge too narrow for their cars to pass.
"I never back up for an idiot." said one driver angrily.
"I always do." replied the other as he shifted into reverse.
020 Chief is at the wedding
A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to put you in jail until the chief gets back."
"But ,officer, I …."
"I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Are you sure?" answered the man in the cell. "I'm the groom." |
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